Radical Reorientation

 My favorite theologian is a 12th-century French Catholic monk named William of St Thierry.  [Yes, my son is named after him, in part.]  Sometime in his 40's, his life was radically reoriented.  He had been an abbot in the Benedictine Order, governing the monastery at St Thierry just outside Rheims in France.  He became a dear friend of Bernard of Clairvaux, a Cistercian prior, and wanted for many years to join the Cistercian order instead, but Bernard forbade it.  Bernard insisted that William remain among the Benedictines in order to reform the order.  However, as William grew older his health grew worse, and he desperately wanted to devote less time to "abbot"-ing and more time to writing.  Finally, in 1135 (sometime in his 40's), Bernard relented.  William resigned his abbacy at St Thierry to become a canon regular (that is, an ordinary monk under the governance of an abbot) at the Cistercian monastery at Signy (also not far from Rheims).

I'm in my 40's, and my life has also undergone a radical reorientation.  In all seriousness, the trajectory of my entire life has utterly and completely changed in the span of three years!  I was married with children, an expatriate American academic owning a home and working in Africa.  Now I'm divorced with children, owning a home in America and working as an engineer (again).  It's like my life took a hard left at Albuquerque (that's a Bugs Bunny joke).  And it's so strange, because I think I was doing before what God purposed me to do, i.e. serving as an advocate for Biblical Hebrew on the continent of Africa, for the continent of Africa.

But just in the last week, I've been reflecting anew on the life of William of St Thierry.  He wanted to write, and God granted him ill health so that he could write.  And now I (and all the world) has his books, because he took the time to write them.  My story is not so different.  For the last twenty years, ever since I was a young seminary student, people have told me that I need to write books.  And frankly, I've never put much time or effort into that because I've always had seemingly better things to do with my time.  But now I can't escape the suspicion that my life is paralleling William's, that God is using my circumstances to indicate that it's time for me to start writing now.  I have a list!  A list of books that I want to write before I die.  Now is the time.  Or at least, I think that's what God might be saying.  I'm afraid to believe that that's really what God is saying, but it feels like it.

I'm afraid because I feel very daunted by the prospect.  I know I can do it.  I know that I have both the skill and talent for it.  And I have things to say!  I just find it incredibly hard to believe that anyone would want to read anything that I write, or that anything I write would actually be worth reading, let alone publishing.  And if I were to publish, I don't particularly care to face the criticism that comes with publishing books (especially in the theological discipline) or the rejection that comes with not-publishing books.  I just want to take care of my children and live my life in peace.

Sigh.

There's a whole lot more to say here, but this will suffice for now.  Everything is just so strange here left of Albuquerque...